


Taking up space in his head, in his life (The Ghosts are on both sides Remix)

by pamymex3girl



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Canonical Character Death, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 19:49:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4234395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pamymex3girl/pseuds/pamymex3girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When magic leaves the world completely Remus Lupin, for the first time since he was a child, feels wholly like himself again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Taking up space in his head, in his life (The Ghosts are on both sides Remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Anna__Sun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anna__Sun/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Ghosts are On Both Sides](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1815436) by [Anna__S](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anna__S/pseuds/Anna__S). 
  * In response to a prompt by [Anna__S](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anna__S/pseuds/Anna__S) in the [remixmadness2015](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/remixmadness2015) collection. 



> So I saw this prompt not that long ago, when I decided to see if there was perhaps another story that I liked. Apperently this year I have a lot of inspiration (for this challange at least.) I haven't written in Harry Potter for a long time, in fact I've never written in it a lot (though I do have some stories still stuck in my head that might get written down someday.) I hope the original author of this story likes the idea of it.
> 
> I don't own anything. The characters and world belong to J.K. Rowling and the original idea belongs to the original author.

_Long, long, long ago, when Remus had been a small child, he’d been whole._

_Wholly himself with absolutely nobody taking up place inside his head and in his life._

_He’d been small, then, with no worries, no idea what the future would truly bring. He hadn’t truly understood either how grand that life was, how great it was to be wholly himself. He hadn’t understood but then he’d had no reason to think that anything would ever be different._

_And then the wolf had come, stalking the night, stealing his life away._

_Although, in all honesty, Remus could not remember a time when he was wholly himself, could not remember what that felt like._

_But the does remember what it felt like to lose it._

\--------

 

Every week Harry visits him. And every time he looks _more_ tired, if such a thing were even possible.

Remus wishes, truly he does, that he had the right words to help him, but they never come. There are no words to help him deal with the loss of magic, with the way some wizards speak of him. There are no words to help him deal with the losses they have both suffered. (James and Lily and _Sirius.)_

“Harry. What a pleasant surprise.”

The boy, well the man really, Remus figured that Harry probably stopped being a child a long, long time ago. But sometimes Remus can still see the small happy baby he had once been. And he truly, honestly, has a lot of time reconciling that baby with the man sitting beside him.

“The medicines aren’t helping.”

It’s not a question, not really, and Remus wishes, truly, that Harry wasn’t quite so perceptive. Or that, at least, he did not come by quite so often, for then he could try to pretend that it got better sometimes. But Harry does come, once a week at least, and the words _it’s not that bad_ and _some days are better_ mean nothing if he finds him weaker every time he visits.

“I’m afraid not – and before you blame Severus, I honestly believe he’s doing everything in his power.”

Harry’s fist clench and Remus can see the anger on his face, the determination to do something, anything to help him. It is moments like these that Remus is forcefully reminded of James, of the way he looked when he found out that Remus was a wolf, determined to help him in any way that he could. He longs for those times and he longs to tell Harry but the words get lost somewhere and the moment passes, like always.

“There has to be something we can do.”

“You’ve already done enough.”

\-------

_He’s not wholly himself anymore and he never will be again._

_His parents try to explain it, try to find the right words to help him navigate in this new world, but he’s too young to understand them truly. Even if he hadn’t been too young he suspects like with so many other things the right words did not exist. It takes years before he understands the ones they did tell him and by then he’s already learned of the cruelty of the world and the people that live in it._

_He’ll never be wholly himself again._

_He’ll never be alone again. There will always be someone, something, else in his life, in his head, taking up space that is not his to have._

_The wolf howls._

_Oh, how Remus wishes he did not exist, oh how Remus wishes to be himself again._

_Even if he does not quite remember what it means to be wholly himself._

_\--------_

_“_ That’s not a criticism, Harry.”

How, after all could he, or anyone for that matter, criticise him? Yes, what they had done had been drastic and final, but they had been losing the war and there had been no other way. And they’d won. They’d lived. Albeit without their magic.

“I’m genuinely grateful for what you’ve done. Tell me, what did it feel like when it happened to you?”

Never in all those times Harry has visited has he asked him this question, though he’s not quite sure why. He hadn’t been afraid of the answer because truthfully part of him had already known. He’d asked other people, those few that visited him at least, wondering what it felt like to them to live in this world without magic. (He hadn’t asked Severus though, their relationship, while better, would never quite get to the point of friendship.) Remus missed it, the magic, the words, the feeling of it but he was still glad it was gone, though he never said it aloud. (Sometimes he thinks Severus knows but like Remus he holds his tongue about things that are far too deep for them to talk about.)

“It’s kind of hard to describe. It’s like, somebody turned off the lights, but I never realized they were on before.”

Not for the first time Remus thinks it shouldn’t have been him that survived. Even if James had to die, which he wishes hadn’t happened, he thinks that Sirius would have been far better for this conversation. He would be better at understanding what it was that Harry had lost. (Because Remus had lost, he had, but he’d also gained and he could never deny that.)

“I felt incomplete.”

But that, that Remus did understand, albeit in a different way.

\-----------

 

_It’s not until he enters Hogwarts and shares his room with three other boys that Remus finally, after so many years, feels more like a boy, a wizard, than the wolf._

_He’s still not wholly himself, still never alone, but it’s better in a world surrounded by magic._

_But he knew, had always known, that the truth would not stay hidden forever._

_What he hadn’t known is how they would react._

_(He’d expected fear, he’d expected loathing, he’d expected anger. Instead he got love.)_

_Suddenly they’re more, better, a part of him, though it’s hard to explain. Sirius and his silly jokes and love of everything that is weird (the loyal dog, always by his side.) James and his jokes and his love for quiditch and Lily. (The stag, always proud, always there.) And Peter, the good friend, with his love for jokes and his ability both as a rat and a wizard, to find a way out of every situation for them. (The rat, loyal and kind.) The four of them, the marauders, running across the grounds together._

_In those years it had not mattered that he was not wholly himself._

_It had not mattered that there was something else taking up space in his head, in his life._

_For they did not care._

_They called him Moony, they called him friend, they called him brother._

_Remus had never felt more whole._

_\----------_

There’s a silence, stretching between them, after Harry’s words. Remus wonders briefly what he should say but decides that the truth is far more liberating than anything else. Perhaps discovering that there is someone – more than one person probably – out there that is better off in a world without magic might help him deal with the loss somewhat.

“For me, it was precisely the opposite. True to form, the wolf didn’t leave without a fight, but when it was gone, I was wholly myself again.”

There’s another silence as Remus watches Harry digest the words, watches him comprehending what it is that Remus is saying.

“And anyway, it’s not like werewolves are known for their long life span. There’s a reason I never had to worry about retirement.”

That was something that Remus had always known and though never fully accepted had lived with it. Sirius, however, had never been able to accept that Remus would die young and had ignored that knowledge for as long as he had lived. It had seemed wrong – both on that Halloween and in the ministry later – that he with his shorter lifespan should somehow be able to survive when the others had not.

But he could not change that.

If there had been a way he would have exchanged his life for theirs long ago.

\-----------

_They tell him they’re all dead – James and Lily and Peter and Sirius, who might as well be dead – when it’s all over._

_When Sirius has already been dragged away to rot in Azkaban._

_Remus wished he had been able to see him once more. To yell, to hate, to let the wolf out, truly, just once. Perhaps Dumbledore had known that, perhaps that was why he had waited. Most likely however he had waited because he’d had no other choice, because the wolf had been out and Remus had been lost for a while. Or maybe, probably even, it was a mixture of both._

_And oh, how Remus had hated the wolf in that moment, hated him for being a part of his life, like he never had before._

_If the wolf had not been there, perhaps he could have saved them._

_If the wolf had not been there, perhaps they could have trusted him and told him the truth._

_And if they had, perhaps, they would have lived._

_(But then if the wolf had not been there perhaps they would not have been such close friends.)_

_But that had not happened, the wolf was real, and Remus had been left with nothing but memories of better times and a wolf taking up space in his head, in his life._

_(And how Remus had mourned them – James and Lily and Peter and even Sirius, at least he’d mourned the man he thought Sirius had been. And how much the wolf had howled, and screamed, when he’d realized he’d been mourning the wrong friend.)_

_For the first time, and perhaps the only time in his life, after they die – on that first full moon – Remus was glad there was somebody else there._

_Even if it was just a wolf taking up space in his head, in his life._

_\-------------_

“Actually, there’s one thing you could do. Severus told me that it was a full moon tonight, but my legs will not permit to walk outside. If you would help me out the door, I would be very grateful.”

“Of course.”

He’d been thinking about the full moon for quite some time. He hadn’t seen the full moon since he was a child, not really, not from a human’s perspective. He could not remember what the full moon looked like, to anyone but the wolf, and even that he did not truly remember. He’d thought, briefly, of asking Severus but the idea of asking him – even if the other man had said yes, which might have, maybe, happened – had been to strange. But Harry, Harry was James’s son, harry was family, and Remus did not hesitate when he asked.

He wished he could walk alone though.

He wished that he could make it outside on his feet, just once.

Being carried outside by a boy far younger than him was quite embarrassing.

_And he swears, he swears, he swears, he hears Sirius joking about it and James laughing._

_They are no longer there but he can still hear them if he tries hard enough._

 

_\---------_

_When Sirius returned, when it turned out he wasn’t the traitor and returned to his life, scarred though he was, Remus and the wolf both rejoiced._

_Once again, though it hardly ever happened, Remus had not truly minded the wolf._

_Not in that moment._

_(He’d been horrified, and the wolf had howled fiercely, at the realization that he’d been mourning the traitor, but there was nothing he could do to change that.)_

_Sirius had stayed at his house, recovering as much as he could, leaning on Remus for help, helping Remus deal with his pain. That first full moon after Sirius’s return, the wolf and the dog had been together again and though they’d missed the stag (but not the rat, knowing the truth now) they’d felt better than they had in years, and they’d all rejoiced._

_That happiness, that gift, that beautiful return to the time of before – as much as they could anyway – had not lasted long._

_For Sirius had fallen, truly this time, he had flown through the air and the veil and he’d been lost to Remus and Harry forever._

_He’d been alone again._

_Completely alone and desperate, despite all his new friends that wished to help, despite Harry who must be feeling worse than he was, despite the wolf howling in his head._

_\---------_

Above them the moon shines brightly, basking the world in a silvery glow.

Remus has never, ever seen anything more beautiful.

More magical.

Later he will try putting it into words, later when somebody else visits, someone he cares about. But in that moment, lying on the grass beside Harry, he had not found the right words to describe it. Not how he feels in that moment and not what it was exactly that Harry had given him.

Instead he says the only thing he can think of: “It’s beautiful.”

And it is.

\-------

_Remus has no idea what the world will be like once this war with Voldemort has finally ended._

_They’ve told him what the plan is, of course, and of its consiquences, but he’s still can’t quite imagine what the outcome will be. (On the off-chance that he even survives the battle, that is.) A part of him thinks it isn’t possible, that it shouldn’t be possible to be able to eradicate magic completely, that magic is so interwoven in everything that it shouldn’t be possible for it to just disappear. (And perhaps it doesn’t disappear, he thinks later, perhaps what has happened is that humans can no longer reach, see or feel it. Perhaps that is closer to the truth.)_

_He can do nothing but watch as Harry tries to keep the connection between the wands unbroken._

_And then there are the ghosts._

_Too many to count, too many to see, too many to truly acknowledge._

_He’s chanting, circling Voldemort and Harry with the rest of the Order, and suddenly James is standing by his side._

_No words are spoken, there’s no time for them anyway._

_But James is there, by his side, and though he wishes that Sirius could be there too, for that moment it is enough._

_And then the magic fades away, stolen from the world forever. He can feel it leaving him, like he suspects everyone can and the ghosts are suddenly gone, back to where they now belong. In his head the wolf howls, fighting fiercely, clinging to the body he has been living in for far too long, desperately fighting to stay. But he’s not strong enough, not this time, not against this, and suddenly the wolf too is gone._

_The magic has disappeared completely and for the first time since he was a small child Remus felt wholly like himself again._

_There were no words to describe how he felt in that moment._

_But then, since nobody else had spoken, he suspects everyone was having that problem._

\---------

 

He falls asleep without meaning too, there on the grass, underneath that beautiful full moon.

The first one he truly sees without the wolf.

(The first one he can remember seeing without the wolf.)

In the morning Harry is still there, on the grass beside him, as the sun shone high up in the sky above them, clearly waiting for him to wake. Without a word Harry helps him inside, waits for him to take a shower and doesn’t leave until Remus starts eating his breakfast.

“I’ll see you later,” Harry says as he turns to leave and Remus knows that he might come to visit him sooner, should time permit it, but he’ll definitely be here again next week. He even suspects, though he’s not quite sure, that no matter when they fall, he’ll find him here during every full moon.

“I’ll see you later Harry.”

\-------

_In his dream Remus is walking through Hogwarts, which is somewhat logical since it was the place he was happiest, and somewhat not since it was also the place he lost._

_This time he’s wholly himself._

_Something he never was while walking through those sacred halls._

_He’s still a wizard, somehow, he can feel the magic coursing through him, but there is no other being in his head, no wolf taking up space._

_The wolf, after all, has faded away. And yet he can feel the magic, it makes no sense but then it’s a dream, so maybe it’s not supposed to._

_James is there, by his side, as he wonders through the halls, as they sit in the great hall, as they spend time in the common room. Lily is there too, beautiful Lily, who’d always been there to lend a hand, even before she understood what it was she was helping with. And Sirius, still with his silly jokes and his contagious laughter. They’re whole, they’re them, they’re together. (They ignore the hole beside them, the one where Peter should have been but chose not to be.)_

_Don’t worry Moony, they whisper, we’ll wait for you, no matter how long it takes. Don’t rush getting here. Take your time._

_Every time the dream ends he can feel it fading away – which in itself is strange because when one is dreaming one should not be able to tell when one is waking. And he clings to them, to his friends, to his family, to the memories, to the life they should have had. Mostly it’s Sirius he’s clinging to, holding his hand, hugging him, grasping his shoulder. It’s not because he’d always got along best with Sirius, he’d loved them all after all, but because James has Lily and Lily has James._

_It’s because like him Sirius is alone in that world, with James yes, but still alone with nobody to cling to that is just his._

_(It’s a strange way to think but it’s a dream so he’s not sure his thoughts matter.)_

_Alone like him, alone with nobody else. (Not as alone, for he has James and Lily, but alone nevertheless.)_

_Both of them ghosts._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
